Keeping Secrets
By W. F. Twyman, Jr.
I have a friend who is Jewish and adopted. Let’s call my friend “Rachel.” We have been friends since 1992 when my wife and I arrived in San Diego. Over the years, my friend has been drawn to knowing about her biological parents. Who were they? Where did they live? Why was she left for adoption? Who were her people? My intense love for personal genealogy turned my friend onto the genetic genealogy platforms. And what did my friend discover?
Rachel found her biological parents and family. Her roots were complicated.
Turns out her parents conceived out of wedlock. They gave Rachel up for adoption. She never knew her biological parents and they never knew Rachel as she grew up and became a mother in her own right. Her biological parents missed all the markers and joys of raising a daughter — birthday parties, pretend tea parties, Hanukah holidays, boyfriends, college graduation. They never knew. They forgot about baby Rachel even as they would later marry and have a son together.
One day, Rachel identified her biological parents and cousins. The discovery of a lifetime! Genetic genealogy, a blessing, right?
Rachel reached out to her biological mother. That was a courageous moment for Rachel. Over the years, I am sure Rachel dreamed about this moment. Rachel found a woman who was not pleasant, unlikable, standoffish. Did Rachel’s mother ever hold her baby girl, Rachel? It was not a Hollywood moment. The cousins were great, however, all warm and embracing as I have found of my white Twyman cousins.
Here’s the problem — the biological mother has not told her husband that their baby left for adoption has made first contact with mom. Nor has mom told her son he has a full-blood sister, Rachel. What would you do? Does the mother have an obligation to inform her husband Rachel is out there and wants to make contact? Or, do you keep Rachel a secret from your husband? Do you keep Rachel a secret from your son to spare him mental and emotional angst?
The mom has chosen to keep husband and son in the dark about Rachel. Is it moral and ethical to keep secrets or not? Questions of life to consider this evening. However this story turns out, kudos to Rachel for the courage to reach out.