To Young Gay Cousins

By W. F. Twyman, Jr.

“He lied about his life to some people.” — Hank to Danny’s mother, Cold Case episode A Time to Hate, Season 1, Episode 7 (Aired November 16, 2003)

[Introduction: This essay was going to be a nice creative romp as a writer. All day long, I thought about an idea for a novel or screenplay. Suppose one wrote a novel titled Granddaddy King. The novel brought to life the improbable soul of a black man called white down in the Jim Crow South. In my mind’s eye, I imagined an Irish immigrant father named King who fell in love with a free black woman. I wanted a fresh story, not of white rape but genuine attraction and affection in a time of Civil War down in Georgia. The boy lived life in both worlds, an Irish immigrant world and a free black world until the end of Reconstruction. Ambiguous in appearance, the protagonist James Albert King would be destined for the life of a sharecropper. His weakness was the bottle and black women. He did not believe in religion or the church. His son, Martin Luther King, would shelter his mother from James’ alcoholic outbursts. The more the son found God, the more the father abused and belittled his son for his Christian faith. The novel would conclude with the Morehouse College educated son and pastor reconciling with his broken ambiguous father never fully accepted by blacks or whites in his elder years. In the final scene, Granddaddy King dies on a Sunday morning, a stranger to the church while Daddy King is pastoring and Grandson Martin Luther King, Jr., all of four years old, sits in the front pew and his mother plays the church piano. I guess I could title my novel James but that title has already been taken.

A funny thing happened before I began to write.

As my wife watched the television show Cold Case, she asked me to watch the episode A Time to Hate. My mind was in Granddaddy King mode but, the more I watched, the more I felt the real essay this evening was not about an ambiguous grandfather but ambiguous, concealed love and affection. The Time to Hate episode was about two gay young men who loved each other in the wrong time, the early 1960s. Danny and Hank were their names. I am not gay, however, universal themes of self-identity appeal to me. By the end of the episode, I knew this essay should be an open letter to young cousins. I don’t do dogma and slogan words but there is much room in my heart for authenticity.]

To be young, gay and black in a Black American family is a catch as catch can proposition. Some are born by good fortune into families that are tolerant for any number of reasons. Perhaps, the Dad lacks prejudice against people due to immutable characteristics. Dad’s mindset is a roll of the genetic dice. And Mom lives an unexamined life within her Far Left echo chamber. It is a badge of honor to have a gay child in some circles. Other cousins may not be so fortunate. Suppose Mom has a severe preconception of her daughter as a straight young woman. Or, Dad assumes it is normal to be straight and is not really on board with a gay child. Or, both parents are traditional and conservative and being gay will take some explaining and therapy.

I know of a Black American family where first, second and third cousins, gay young cousins, are dealt different hands in life. Some cousins are fortunate to have parents who accept their child’s gay identity. Acceptance does not equal understanding, of course. The Dad refuses to say “my daughter is gay” in public as he grew up in an age and time when such things were not said. To his credit, Dad’s number one priority is not to say something stupid. So, he has never had a real and deep authentic conversation with his daughter about being gay. Or, is she queer? It is all so confusing, so he chooses not to have conversations with his daughter about her sexual orientation. His daughter recommended A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Little_Life which Dad read as a straight guy. He understood the souls of Gay folks better but can one book capture the nuance and complexity of an entire group of people? The person he wants to better understand is his daughter who has not written a book as of yet.

In an honest moment a year or two ago, the Dad’s daughter shared that several young cousins were gay. They were living in the closet and were reticent about having this conversation with their respective parents. And it occurred to me that these young cousins remained behind the veil.

I do not claim to know the unique way of being gay in America. All I know is to do unto others as I would have others do unto me. Anything else is needlessly imprecise and convoluted. Despite the high consciousness urged upon us by Gay Pride parades, gay people are individuals like black people are individuals.

This is my starting point as I think about the gay young cousins.

To the gay young cousins who remain hidden from parents of my generation, I say the following: It will not get easier over time. The longer one delays being oneself and honest about oneself with Mom and Dad, the deeper will be the sense of whiplash at home. Questions will be asked – When did you know you were Gay? How come you didn’t tell me? You kissed a girl at a friend’s house? I never knew.

Your Mom and Dad love you. Do not confuse their love for you with their expectation of their daughter and son. They were expecting X. They dreamed about you dating the wealthy Asian-American son of a billionaire and now they feel ridiculous. Give your parents some space to readjust their awareness of who you are as an adult person.

Be confident in what you say. If you are doubtful, they are will question whether you are caught up in a fad or not.

Answer your parents’ questions. This is important for their peace of mind. You might be surprised to find they have few questions and don’t talk about it. Silence is both a sign of respect and that they are processing a change in their knowledge of you. Allow them grace.

Be yourself, please. I believe this is the most important advice. There is power, and self-confidence, in authenticity. I gather there are millions of ways to be Gay. There is no template or checklist.

As for race, I don’t get the intersectional thing. Some people make much of the fact that there are Black Lesbian communities. I do not know enough to know what I do not know. Just be yourself and your parents will take their clues from you.

Are there things you should not say? This question approaches unsure ground for me as a relative in your parents’ generation. If you were attending boarding school and a gay teacher led you to your sexual orientation, Mom and Dad might experience vertigo. Some things might best be left unsaid. Mom and Dad don’t need to know all of the seedy details at prep school. Spare Mom the mental images. Trust me on this one.

If you’re gay and living intimate lives with the ladies on campus, come on, young cousin. Mom and Dad are not dense and behind the times like me/smile. They will pick up on the body language when they visit you at campus. Some girls are friends and some girls are girlfriends. Better to be honest and forthright sooner rather than later. Whatever you do, never lie if asked by Mom and Dad about who you are. Be truthful above all.

Conclusion: In my experience, there is a spectrum of existence among gay young cousins. Those who are living their lives and loving their girlfriends seem happy, joyful and free. Girlfriends are welcomed on family vacations and at graduation ceremonies. The world needs more joy and happiness in our young. Those who seem more anxious and conflicted are those who share their intimate secrets with openly gay cousins and feel the angst of living secret lives. The longer you keep your secrets, gay cousins, the longer you will be a prisoner of your Gay identity with Mom and Dad.

Say the words at home this summer – Mom and Dad, I am Gay.